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You know you are getting old when
"Happy Hour" is an afternoon nap.
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| Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
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Maybe it's true that life begins at
fifty,
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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| Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
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| If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
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| Don't worry about
temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
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The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it
before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
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| You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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| It's not the pace of life that concerns
me -- it's the sudden stop at the end.
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| It's not so bad being
senile -- you get to meet many more people.
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| Of course I'm in shape. Isn't
round a shape?
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
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| Don't take life so
seriously. It's not permanent.
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| Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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| Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
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| Never fuss over becoming
senile -- you won’t know it!
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Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations
and you choose the one that will get you home by 9:00 o’clock.
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| To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
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| Inside every 80-year-old is a
30-year-old saying, "Whose body is this?"
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My grandson asked me if I still look at young
women.
I said, "Yes, but I can't remember why."
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I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and
hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
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| Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
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| Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, then it doesn’t matter.
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| The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
( Helen Hayes at 73)
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I'm so
depressed. I went to the doctor today and he refused to write me a prescription
for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
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| When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?
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| Although it's never fun getting one year older, it sure beats the alternative!
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| A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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| I have found, at my age, going
bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
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If I knew I was going to get this old,
I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.
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| Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
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| Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
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| Growing old is
mandatory. Acting old is optional!
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| The
Golden Years: When actions creak louder than words.
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| I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
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Middle age is when you've met so many people
that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
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| It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
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| The
Cardiologist's Diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
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You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for
Lent
and you don't know till the 4th of July.
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| You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
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| The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
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You know you're into middle age when you realize that
caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
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| You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
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| Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
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| At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
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| By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
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A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down
by his doctor instead of by the police.
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You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
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Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both
ends
and have begun to grow in the middle.
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Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
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| The older I get, the better I used to be.
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| Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
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You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
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| You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.
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| Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
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| There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
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Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters
and too young to borrow the family car.
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| You know you're old when your candles start costing more then your birthday cake!
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Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that
in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
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| I'm not getting
older -- I'm getting bitter.
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Doctor to patient:,
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
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| Life is what passes you by while you're busy making other plans.
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I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older.
Then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals!
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| Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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| Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
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| Age only matters if you're cheese.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.
In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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| There’s only one thing worse than an old fogy, and that’s a young fogy.
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| Treat each day as your
last -- one day you will be right.
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| Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy man has no time to form.
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To those who do not count their life in years, but in how life has touched them in the past
and how much it can hold in the future, youth is forever.
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